Funny Double Clutch's What's Hot/What's Not

Editors Note: For reasons explained in the Behind the scenes report of Talking Hoops Double Clutch was unable to finish the list for this week. Hence, being the long-time assistant editor I (Smooth Butter) have finished the list for this week. A major contribution has also come from Dr. Dunkeinstein. Enjoy.

No speakers were harmed during the making of this list.

What's Hot:

• Erin Phillips The focus of North's sharp team, she still managed a double double in a losing side, recording 22 points at 8/21 2/6 4/4. 10 boards, 4 assists and 3 steals. (Solid on the foul line, unlike Hoops own Panther.)
• Cayla Francis being selected to go to the A.I.S. Going to be great watching her play ABL with her visting Adelaide on the 27th of January at Wayville. If the game doesn't clash with anything important DC may even be there.
• Forestville womens team, came to play. The team shot at a solid 41.5% from the field, and 78.3% from the stripe.
  
• The Royal Hotel, and the Kings Pardon. Order the Kings Burger and a pint, finish the burger and get the cost of the burger refunded. If we writers here at DC Inc got paid a decent salary, we wouldn't be so tight. [DC note: I leave most of my writes locked in cages with only bread crumbs to keep them company. We also outsource to TCP's slave labour trainings.]
• The announcement from the Bowley sisters parents that they are going to launch a new ABL woman's team next season made up entirely by Bowley sisters. Mother Bowley states: "We will have try-outs for about 100 Bowley daughters. What is so great about this if only a tenth of their 7,129 non-playing sisters show up to watch we will have the biggest crowds in the central conference."
• In fact the Forestville Senior program, both Men's and Women's team into the Grand Final, an achievement in itself.
• Vicki Kelson giving it her all as her team jumped Sturt but couldn't hold on. 21 and 12 on 8/24 0/1 5/8 with 2 assists and 3 steals.
• C.Wilson and Gange top scoring for their teams with 20 and 19 respectively. With 12 players scoring double figures, isn't hard to work out 'double' is the word of the week. It is hard tho to pick a standout from such a great game that, according to script, was decided on the buzzer.
• This list being so long that Flinders university is going to give me a credit for it.
• Stateline tonight on ABC at 7:30. See if you can pick Dr Dunkenstein

What's Not:

• Darren's picture on page 89 of today's (Fridays) Advertiser. Can anyone say: "NNEERRDD!!!!"
• DC losing money on Woodville by a point. It was a travel!
• Kevin Brooks giving me daggers after the Eagles v Warriors game. Kind of reminded me of EC.
• M.Fellows, matching his minutes with fights on Saturday.

A Hot/Not behind the scenes exclusive of Talking Hoops: After the shame of last week's gangster rap send-up Paul Bell very graciously invited Double Clutch and the Hot/Not staff to experience firsthand the magic that is Talking Hoops radio show. Just when many people within the South Australian basketball community are questioning Bell's alleged temper and respect for electrical equipment it's a great move for Paul to open up the studio and reach out to the community.

• 4:30pm A call is received at the Hot/Not skyscraper from Paul Bell inviting the Hot/Not executive to the studio. Seeing as this is an opportunity Smooth Butter and I simply couldn't miss I quickly call off my business meeting with Donald Trump, make my way up forty stories to the roof and enter the Hot/Not helicopter (manned by Mr. T from the A-Team) en route to the greatest radio show in the land.
• 5:40pm Smooth Butter and I make our way across the sweeping lush hills to the Coast FM studio which is attached to a beautiful beach. On the way we tell of the urban myth about the drunken gay man who was going into the Mars Bar but instead ended up in Club 33 instead. Smooth Butter: "Horrible" Mr. T: "I pity the fool!"
• 5:45pm We land at the studio crushing Dusty Rychart's car in the process. Paul Bell and Dusty Rychart greet us outside. Bell: "We're waiting for Brett Maher. He's always fashionably late."
• 5:46pm I get on the phone to Brett Maher to confirm he is actually coming. We have a mini-interview while on the phone. Maher: "You know a lot of people think I'm loaded with money, but it's simply not true."
• 6:00pm Maher finally pulls up outside the studio in a brand new Bentley Continental GT with spinning Platinum wheels. The sun shines on the wheels and reflects into Dusty's eyes immediately rendering Dusty blind. Dusty: "Ahh! I'm blind! I'm blind!"
• 6:19pm Inside the studio now, Brett Maher looking out the studio window describes to Dusty that yet another whale has become stranded on the joining beach.
• 6:20pm Paul Rees, the first guest arrives in the studio. Rees: "Did you say there was a beached whale outside?"
• 6:21pm Rees leaves the studio and eats the beached whale.
• 6:23pm Paul Bell announces he will ring his back-up guest Jacob Holmes and get him on the air.
• 6:30pm and the show finally goes to air. Unfortunately Jacob is apparently too vain to even go on radio without his hair being done. The show starts with no guest.
• 6:40pm Mark Davis appears in the studio to do a live advertisement for Club 33. At the end of the commercial Mark turns to Maher, Bell and Dusty and says: "You are all going to be there tonight right guys?" Bell struggling to keep a straight face replies "Yes of course." Everyone burst into hysterical laughter.
• 6:45pm Paul Bell makes the announcement that Dusty has been officially diagnosed as 100% blind with both eyeballs being removed, and that Paul Rees is now officially all jokes aside, the size of a beached whale.
• 6:46pm EC calls the studio to say people are too negative about the upcoming season and that she has complete faith in the medical staff to find Dusty two new eyeballs and surgically attach them, as well as being able to find a spring-loaded court strong enough to allow Paul Rees to stand on. EC: "Really, to see a beached whale and a blind man play basketball, $10,000 a season for a child's ticket in the rafters is about the right price. Management is doing a great job."
• 7:00pm Mike Mckay enters the studio for an interview. Mckay: "You know I'm really disappointed with the cheap-shot remarks. I mean I don't deserve that tag at all. Sutton's shoulder broke by itself."
• 7:01pm Kevin Brooks enters the studio and asks "What's that old man doing here?"
• 7:02pm Mckay throws sand in Brooks face and punches him while he's blinded. Maher: "Where the hell did he get that sand from?"
• 7:30pm Paul Bell attempts to display his amazing sense of humour to Smooth Butter and I. Dusty: "Can someone show me the door?" Bell: "Yeah not a problem." Bell then proceeds to walk Dusty straight into a wall. Bell: "Oh door I thought you meant wall?" Dusty: "Oh no my beautiful face!"
• 7:35pm The temperature within the studio is now no more 5 degrees. Despite this, the next guest Oscar Forman still manages to show up to the studio without a shirt and with his body greased up. Oscar: "I try to play down the fact I was in Cleo. I really don't like the attention. No, really I'm serious."
• 7:45pm Darren Ng enters the studio. Ng: "A lot of people are intimidated by myself and my family. But really, I'm just your everyday nerdy Chinese-Malay medicine student who juggles being a professional athlete while playing classical piano while living in a household that has the gross national product of all of South East Asia.
• 7:50pm Bell: "Where's my snare? There's no snare in my headphones!" Suddenly Bell snaps. "F-----g speakers!" Bell throws the speakers and starts kicking them. He then throws the speakers out the studio window onto the beach next to the whale carcass. Paul Rees, still left hungry from the whale decides to eat the speakers.
• 7:56pm Bell announces its time to talk about woman's ABL. Maher: "Another great week from the Bowley sisters, who seem to be taking over South Australian women's basketball. Very productive parents." Dusty: "Just how many Bowley sisters are there?" Rees chimes in: "I'm not exactly sure, but a Bowley sister was my agent for my last contract negotiations." Mckay: "I fly-kicked a Bowley sister last week." Darren: "A Bowley sister lectured in my course last week." Dusty: "A Bowley sister robbed my house last week!" Kevin Brooks: "A Bowley sister cost our team a finals victory the other day by not making a travelling call!" Now everyone is raising their voice higher and higher to speak over each other about their Bowley sister expirence.
• 7:57pm Mob like shouting is now screaming across the airwaves. From the corner of the room a deafening roar suddenly comes hailing thru with a deafening bass that could only be the work of the devil: "SHHHUUUTTTT UUUUPPPPP!!!!" The building shakes so violently it seemed the roof was about to cave in. Everyone sits in silence waiting for the dust to settle. The only noise is of Dusty running into a brick wall. The dust clears. Paul Bell sits in the corner hunched over in the darkness with only the bright red glow of his eyes clearly defined. Brett Maher quietly asks with all the bass taken out of his voice: "Is that, uh, devil horns you have poking out of your head Paul?" Bell starts to laugh in a evil demonic voice. Bell: "HA, HA, HA, HA. You fools!" Bell reaches towards the back of his head and starts to pull off his entire face Mission Impossible style. Bell: "I'm not Paul Bell at all, I am&&.YET ANOTHER BOWLEY SISTER!!!"
• Note: DC was unable to finish the final part of this investigative story. Thus I (Smooth Butter) have finished the remainder of the report. 7:58pm The new as yet unnamed Bowley sister pulls out a knife and quickly grabs Double Clutch and places him in a headlock with the knife firmly placed against his neck. DC: "What do you want you evil woman?" Bowley sister replies in demonic voice: "I have been a long time reader of your list. Watching and waiting for my name to appear. But never! That damn woman Monique is always getting the damn attention. You know I played social once. I got the ball and made a lay-up. Well not really I got blocked by the rim. But still no mention ANYWHERE! ANYWHERE DAMN IT!!!"
• 7:59pm DC: "Well calm down. If you give me your name I can place you on the list." Bowley sister: "Shut up! It's too late for that. Plus, I don't have a name. I'm the one hundred and forty-seven thousand, two hundred and twenty sixth Bowley sister currently playing basketball in South Australia. My parents ran out of female names. But it's too late now, I'm going to subject you to a fate worse than death." Paul Rees: "You're going to make him watch Rove?" Brett Maher: "You're going to make him watch Paul Rees eat?" Oscar Forman: "You're going to take him to Club 33?" Darren Ng: "You are going to lecture him on the finer points of M-Theory which was born out of the Quantum Field Theory framework whereby the Heterotic theories SO(32) are related to S-duality?" Everyone at once: "NNNNEEERRRDDD!!!!" Bowley: "No, even worse I'm going to take him to a still active Vietnamese prisoner of war camp&&&." Voices from inside the studio: "Well that's not too bad&could be enjoyable" Bowley sister: "&&.To watch Jason Baylis practice shooting free throws!!!!" DC: "NNNNOOOO!" Oscar Forman: "Oh the humanity!" Darren Ng: "That would be quite unpleasant."
• 8:00pm The Bowley sister then looks to the roof with her bright red eyes and laser beams shoot out breaking a hole in the roof. Huge devil wings protrude from her back and she flies out of the studio with DC on the way to the pits of hell.
  
• Well, looking back it was certainly a interesting night which was both informative and entertaining. I've learnt not to trust Paul Rees around any beached animals, never to think a Medical student is cool again, never put a camera in front of Oscar as he will immediately take his shirt off and start posing and never in any situation get a Bowley sister angry. For anyone wishing to donate to the Save Double Clutch fund simply send a e-mail to [email protected]. Please, Jason Baylis must be stopped. As for hearing more of this insane action, Talking Hoops can be heard on Coast FM (88.7) from 6:30pm to 8:00pm every Tuesday night.

The Smooth Butter doesn't want to be kidnapped by a Bowley sister section :

• The Bowley sisters on the weekend combined for 37 points, 31 rebounds, 4 assists, 1 block and 1 steal in brilliant performances. I also heard a Bowley sister suited up a social game in some D grade league somewhere. She twisted her ankle within 30 seconds and sat on the bench for the remainder of the game but I found her play sublime in that thirty seconds. Also she is the best benchwarmer I have ever seen.

Find of the week

• Brad Bungey going for 33 points against Sturt without calling anyone a "fag" once! Huge effort from the big fella!" Congratulations Bungey!

Enough bricks to build a house:

• Jason Dix 7/22 FG 0/3 3PT
• Brad Sullivan 4/19 FG
• Andrew Puddifoot 4/19 FG 0/4 3PT
• Matthew Elder 5/16 FG
• Bowley sisters 13/39 FG
• Vikki Nelson 8/24 FG
• Jenah Piwanski 1/11 FG
• Elizabeth Keane 3/13 FG
• Erin Phillips 8/21 FG
• Deanne Ranford 5/16 FG

Celebrity sightings:

• Oscar Forman at Glenelg in ten degree weather with his shirt off and his body greased up with his girlfriend. This due really needs to buy a shirt.

Next week:

• More game note style coverage returns along with Flop of the week. And yeah hopefully DC returns too.

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