What do you call a fly without wings?



A Walk

The Mr Whippy Ice-Cream van broke down in front of our house the other week for about 3 days.

I went to check it out. Climbed into the back and found Mr Whippy, dead, lying on the floor! He was covered in Hundreds & Thousands, Chocolate sauce, Jaffas and those little wafer things!


Police say he TOPPED himself!

Creedence Clearwater Revivial have released an aplogy for false lyrics....


There is no house in New Orleans!

4 people on a train in Sweden.....a little old iktalian lady, a young swedish girl with large assetts, a Kiwi bloke, and an Aussie bloke.

The train goes through a tunnel, the carriage is blackened, and there is the unmistakable sound of a hand slapping skin.

They come out of the tunnel, and the Kiwi guy is rubbing his cheek. The Italian lady think he must have groped the swedish girl, and she slapped him.

The Swedish girl thinks he must have tried to grope her, but got the Italian lady instead, and she slapped him.

The Kiwi guy thinks the Aussie must have groped the Swedish girl, she went to slap him, missed and got the Kiwi guy instead.

The Aussie bloke though "gee, I cant wait for the next tunnel so I can smack the Kiwi again!"

A Irishman, and American and a Brit all walk into a bar, and the barman says....

what is this? Some sort of joke?

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A guy gets on a plane and a georgous woman sits next to him.

He strikes up a conversation by asking what she was planning on doing in Rio, their destination.

"I'm going to a Nymphomaniacs Convention. I'm a lecturer."

The guy can't believe his luck, so he makes small talk.

"You must know alot about sex. What are some things that the average person would believe about sex that aren't true?"

"Well, most people think black men are the most well endowed, but it's actually American Indians."

"Really? What else.?"

"Greek, not French men, are the best lovers."

"I didn't know that." He replies

"So what was your name anyway?" She says with a smile.

"Tonto. Tonto Papadopolous."

Friendship among Women:


A woman doesn't come home one night.


The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house.


The man calls his wife's 10 best friends.


None of them know anything about it.



Friendship among Men:


A man doesn't come home one night.


The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house.


The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends.


8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand
morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs
to be honest, yet spontaneous.

You are in Darwin, NT. There is chaos all around you caused by a
cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting
for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move
closer, somehow the man looks familiar.

You suddenly realise who it is. It's John Howard. At the same time
you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under. You
have two options--you can save the life of "Little Johnny" or you can
shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of
the Australian Prime Minister.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:







Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with
the classic simplicity of black and white?

Those jokes .. for the most part (execpt mr ryan & anon!!) are awesome.

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

And this game is about the coolest I have seen to date!!

For the boys in the tactical teams, I think you will like this one!!

http://www.snopi.com/freetime/assault.swf

I went to the butchers the other day. He's pretty short. I said to him "$100 if you can reach the meat on the very top shelf without using a ladder!"
He said, "Ok"
I said, "But, if you can't reach the meat on the very top shelf, $100 to me"

He looked at the meat on the top shelf, then at the money on the counter, then back at the meat on the very top shelf.

After looking at the meat one more time, he turned to me and said "I'm sorry Matt... The stakes (steaks) are just too high!"

" re: lighten your day (#49821)

Creedence Clearwater Revivial have released an aplogy for false lyrics....

There is no house in New Orleans!

Anon, 12/09/05"

Why would CCR release an apology for a song sung by THE ANIMALS???


A mother takes her son to the doctors, complaining that when he opens his mouth all, he can do is sing "WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT".
The doctor says, "Ah, your son has Tom Jones Disease!"
The mother says, "It is common?"
And the doctor says, "Well, it's not unusual!"

(Mod: Sorry, not really appropriate.)

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded



that I take her out to some place expensive...................


So I took her to a petrol station

I like that song that Elton John wrote for that guy from "WHO'S THE BOSS"

How does it go again?

"Hold me close young Tony Danza!"

3 old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender says, "Sure thing!"
The neutron asks, "So, how much will that cost?"
And the bartender says, "For you neutron...NO CHARGE!"

Two neutrons go to the pub and get fairly tanked.

They're walking home and the first neutron says "Crap, I think I left a couple of electrons back at the pub!"
The second neutron says "Are you sure?"
And the first neutron says "Yeah, I'm positive!"

a guy comes home from work and turns on the television. his stay at home wife comes into the room and asks 'whats on the t.v?' he replies 'dust ya lazy woman'

"f(x) = 3x+2" walks into a city pub and says "Listen, I'm turning 21 and I would like to hold my birthday party here."

The owner says "I'm sorry, but we don't cater for functions!"

Old Ducky walks into the Rec Room at her Nursing Home...

"If any of you Blokes can guess what i'm holding in the palm of my hand, you can have sex with me for the next 24 hours!"

Harold the Smartass old bugger calls out sarcastically "An Elephant?"

To which Old Ducky replies:
"NEAR ENOUGH!"

A teacher asks his kids, "Hands up all those who have seen a ghost."
About 10 hands go up.
The teacher then asks, "Hands up all those who have talked to a ghost."
About 5 hands go up.
The teacher then asks, "Hands up all those whp have had sex with a ghost."
One hand goes up.
The teacher asks, "Johnny, you've had sex with a ghost???"
And Johnny says, "Oh, how embarrassing...I thought you said GOAT!"

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

Matt Ryan, i am glad to say that i do not know who you are and judging by what you call "humour" i am extremely happy i dont.

Pest,

How can you say you don't know me? For as well as I am known for everything good I do on court, I am equally known for everything bad I do off court!

Dont worry, i know who you are. I was just embarresed to admit it. Bad jokes, Bad music tastes => just about sums it up doesnt it