Matt Ryan
Years ago
Matt Ryan's 'Retirement' Speech
2006 has been a great year for me.
I was first awarded the HOME HARDWARE RISING STAR AWARD at the 2006 CAN AND WILL MEDAL CEREMONY.
Then I was fortunate enough to be the recipient of the 2006 FLINDERS UNIVERSITY 2ND YEAR NURSING FRATERNITY AWARD FOR THE MOST ANNOYING, ANNOYING, ANNOYING PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF FLINDERS UNI. I was notified of winning this award by Joe Ingles' sister, Meg!
I was the favourite, with odds of 2:1, to take out THE 2006 CONROY'S DOUBLE SMOKED BACON BASKETBALL SOUTH AUSTRALIA SHOW PONY AWARD (which I've previously won in 2002, 2004 and 2005)
Finally, the greatest honour was being the recipient of another Flinders Uni award. I was, as voted by my peers, the recipient of THE SGT. TOM CROYDON AWARD FOR MOST LIKEY TO OFFEND (THROUGH OFFENSIVE AND ARROGANT BEHAVIOUR).
Now, as I am about to embark on my new life as the new Year 6/7 teacher at ST JOSEPH'S at PETERBOROUGH (along with also being the school SPORTS COORDINATOR), I will no longer be umpiring basketball on Friday nights, here in Adelaide.
Making a "retirement" speech is like walking a tightrope. You need to be gracious, grateful, and humble--but not so humble or self-deprecating that the audience thinks you are trivializing the matter. As people surely know me by now, I have decided to take a different path to the one that has been suggested. Instead of being "gracious, grateful, and humble", I am going to be what everyone has expected me to become: LOUD, OBNOXIOUS, COCKY and above all, ARROGANT!
Some people already know this, but some people are gonna be shocked to hear it. It might just give you a bit of an insight into why I am the person who I am. In July of 2004, I was diagnosed with CROHN'S COLITIS, severe inflammation of the large intestine. I was admitted to Ashford Hospital and I stayed there for 3 weeks. My large intestine was so severely diseased that on the 10th of July, I had emergency surgery to have my large intestine removed (NB. The surgeon informed me that if the surgery had have taken place 2 hours later, my large intestine would have exploded and I would have died from the internal and excessive blood loss). So basically, my life in 2004 revolved around me having to withdraw from my uni studies, be in hospital for 3 wks, get down to 42kgs and survive DEATH by 2 hours, a mere 120 minutes. Now, I have a "colostomy bag", for the rest of my life.
Now, let me tell you something: I AM AFRAID OF NOTHING!
That's why I am the way that I am. Once you have beaten death, nothing else can scare you. You have nothing to lose, but everything to gain. I am not afraid of what people thought of me. Let's just face it: When it comes to me, you either LOVE ME or you HATE ME! THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN!
People who know me, the REAL me, they know that the cocky person the see is "me, but with the volume turned way up!". For all those who accuse me of "strutting", I walk with a purpose, and that purpose is to impress.
And for all of you people out there that have ever paid to see a game that I was umpiring, whether you loved me or you hated me, you know that when that ball was thrown up, you got all I had that night. Whether your team won, whether your team lost, I gave you everything I had. And you knew that.
I would like to thank everybody that I ever had the pleasure of umpiring with. I would especially like to thank all of the current referees at WESTMINSTER. I'd like to thank everybody who I have reffed with at old Sturt Stadium, old Forestville Stadium, Wayville, Pasadena and Westminster. Furthermore, I must also "retire" from my duties as "Gum Bitch" to Andrew Filmer, "Water Bitch" to Phil Haines, "Coke Bitch" to Michael Birkin and "Chair Bitch" to Chris Clarke....And to the countless others who have "ridden" me over the years (eg. Trevor Baker for his constant insinuations of romances with blonde North girls). Special thanks to the one constant person I have had the pleasure of knowing for the 8 years that I have been involved with umpiring District Basketball Leonie Ware. Leonie is the familiar face that everybody knows and I feel like she is my "honourary" Grandmother! Also, a thank you to Neil Poulton for all of his support and the undertaking he has done with the new system of basketball umpiring in this state!
A special thanks must go to the Sturt Basketball Club for all of their support. I hope that they know that if I made any decisions it was in the best interest of the game, at hand, at that particular moment. Paul Meschke, Katherine McPhail, Nathan Vaughn, Liam Flynn, Dean Nyberg, Paul "Rags" Rigoni, Ben and Matt Gliddon, Michael "Meet you in Burra" "Humpa" Humphrys, Jarrod "Jazzy" Clarke, Wayne Beaumont I thank all of you. I never wanted any of you to agree with me. I just hoped that you "would see where I was coming from". If we could agree on one thing it was that both sides had a mutual passion for the sport of BASKETBALL. I must admit that I will miss the "witty banter" between myself and the above mentioned coaches!
I must also thank other coaches, and true "personalities and characters of the game" at other clubs: Damien Weeks, Noel Robertson, BK, Brenton Johnson, Darryl Crump, Matho, Lachlan Griffiths, Michael Rogers.
Finally, I would like to thank the man, the myth, the legend. The man of the hour, the man with the power, the man too sweet to be sour. Every man's regret, every lady's pet, the man with the voice, the people's choice! The Master of MATT-isfaction&. ME!
