Feed up
Years ago

Dealing with Parents from Hell

What is the best way to deal with overly competitive parents that have kids playing in juniour grades?

The type of parents Im talking about are the one's who work over coaches, grab them at every oppertunity to talk up little Johnny or Sally. These types of parents are the one's who are constantly on the phone to the coach talking up their child (and God knows what else), and then make a point to all that they speak with the coach on a regular basis.

The type of parent that openly tells you and others that your own kid shouldnt be playing in the current grade they are in!

I have got to the stage, after seeing these parents constantly work over a string of coaches from years past, that Im not sure what to do. These parents work on the old "plant a seed and watch it grow" routine.

I am confident of my childs ability to beat this "parents" child; however I am not confident that my child can beat the player combined with the "parents from hell" as well. My child and this other child have competed for the same position since under 10's. They have mostly been in the same teams; however this season its not the case and it is killing the "parents from hell" so much that they seem to have taken their "campaign" to a whole new level.

The club or grade is not an issue as this must happen at every club.

Any way to deal with this?

Do you have a story like this? Lets hear it.

Please do not mention specific clubs or players.

Topic #9440 | Report this topic


Anonymous  
Years ago

it is a real problem - either they drop them off and are late to pick them up and the coach is waiting 45 mins for a parent to come - or they are full on

within the last 12 months i was at a stadium and the parents (mums mind you as well!) were standing around and it took just 1 family to start a lynch mob - "coach is bad because the u.....s aren't winning as much as last season"

what more can one say --- it is all centred around their kid and where their needs are - the only way long term success can be ensured is if everyone gets on teh same page

Reply #107216 | Report this post


Nick  
Years ago

In my brothers team there is someone exactly like that. She's sooooo serious and full on and never stops trying to do the coaches job, yells and the ref and her kid all the time etc etc. There in U12's for god sake! Just feel like stabbing her to be honest.

Reply #107217 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

Not much you have to do or can do. If you fight back you become the parent from hell version 2. There is/was a notorius 'parent' from the country who got/gets in the ear of coaches and skillfully expressed the good points of players and then listed the 'bad' points of players competing for her childs positions. Did this at club level and TI camps. Her child continues to make country teams but few now listen to her good/bad routines about other players now and mum can no longer talk over her child's deficiencies.
You can talk to the coach but you need to be careful he/she doesn't see you as the problem.
You can confront the parent and cop a mouthful but at least he or see then knows you know.
Or you can choose to let cream rise which is the most difficult to do as a parent as your beloved warms the bench and the 'chosen ones' get time. In the long run this is the best option for both of you.
SASI coaches are well aware of the 'arrangements' in certain clubs and relationships between coaches and some players. I believe they actually look at the talent of individuals and can easily see potential in kids from limited time.
Keeep reassurring your child hard work pays off and to burn in the time offerred. Burn doesn't mean scoring necessarily but the team thing at intense level.
Look at your club and the coaching staff. Is there a connection ,country coach - country player issue. If there is shop around, You can't fix that. Go to a club that offers the best coaching irrespective of their place on the ladder(usually tho a good coach means top 5 club) and ask other parents what is the selection process like and read between the lines.
And after all that try to balance out whats best for your child, not just you and if you manage to successfully crack that one pass on the answer to us all.
Remember, life's not fair and kids, to some extent, have to make their own way as it doesnt get easier down the track to make representative teams.

Reply #107218 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

Feedup,
A coaches perspective.
This happens lots. Coaches have to be almost aloof when it comes to parents. Coaches that are there to make friends shouldnt be there. I would say if this is happening at your club and it is having an impact then the coaches are as much as a problem as the parents.

A parent came up to me last yr and said that they had heard that I was aloof with parents. They said that whilst the parents thought I was a good coach they were dissapointed they didnt get to know me. This seemed a little strange. I have lots of a friends, dont need more really, and I wasnt there to make friends with the parents. Parents if your kids coach doesnt want to be your best friend. Think about it. Its not that the coach is a prick but just think about the impact on other players.

I know as a player, there was nothing that frustrated me more than feeling like factors other than my own performance controlled my destiny. Nothing poisons a team more than players that feel that their rewards will not be directly related ot their performance.

I would suggest if you feel this is the culture of your club (and it is at some) then seriously look for a club where performance is rewarded not the fact that your parents are the nicest once there.

Reply #107226 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

Feedup, one other thing. Believe me most people, that have been around long enough can see these parents a mile away. Im sure if your club has people with half a brain and a bit of experience they will figure it out.

Reply #107229 | Report this post


Worthwhile  
Years ago

Two things come to the fore on this issue - One good thing that happens as a child gets older is that talent and game smarts over come all other things and your child will just be there in the team based on ability. The other thing you have to remember is that a lot of coaches invest a lot of time in kids that they think will be the ants pants. You see it all the time. Don't you think that they have to justify the time and effort they put into these kids ? The unfortunate thing for the coach is that as a kid goes up through the grades they cannot hide the deficiencies any more - Ignore the parent, ignore the coaches intent, shut up say nothing, encourage your kid to develop and enjoy their bball at the highest level THEY aspire too, not you and then you should not have a problem.

At the end of the day remember 1 thing - the kids know who the better players are regardless of what coaches and parents think and they survive

Reply #107235 | Report this post


stingray  
Years ago

I can not imagine how many good coaches/people have stepped away from coaching due to the 1% - its only 1% but its such a magnified few

Reply #107239 | Report this post


stingray  
Years ago

I can not imagine how many good coaches/people have stepped away from coaching due to the 1% - its only 1% but its such a magnified few

Reply #107240 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

Wow, so now coaches complaining about abuse and talking about walking away.

I bet they dont think about it as they abuse the refs!!!

Reply #107247 | Report this post


Feed up  
Years ago

Some good points and observations. I guess what has come out of this is that most people feel that the "cream will rise to the top" in the end.

It has been our feeling that talent will eventually win over Mom & Pops phone calls and ear bashings.

It is just frustating when the "Parents from Hell's" kid has missed out on a state team and state training squads on the only 2 occasions that they were eligable for them.

These parents have then started a campaign to activly seek out the coaches in question, personally and via phone. All of a sudden the kid gets picked in the team and in another instance included very late in a state training program. To date it has not been at the expense of our kid, but it has meant that some other kid has missed out because thier parents were not as good at "PR" as the others.

It is frustrating and tiresome to have seen it at club level, then see the exact same tactics at State level.

Reply #107255 | Report this post


Kwest  
Years ago

I sometimes wonder what one of those parents from hell would think reading a thread like this. Im sure theres a few reading right now.

I tend to think it wouldnt even click that they are the type of person being talked about.

Reply #107271 | Report this post


Hillbilly  
Years ago

KWest agree with you totally. May be why kids drop out of the sport too at a great rate the older they get. Seems to me the kids that speak their minds in 16 and 18's go by the wayside no matter how good.

Reply #107276 | Report this post


Anon  
Years ago

To all the parents from hell - don't you know that people find out when you ring up Coaches, State Coaches and SASI coaches to bag the kids that got to final selections and picked in teams b4 yours - and everyone knows what a small minded world that parents from hell live in. Its dog eat dog at all costs - your kids will be the kids that will tell you to stick it when they are old enough and drop out of b/ball because they are living your dream not theirs

Reply #107289 | Report this post


Ken Richardson  
Years ago

They're called 'helicopters'. 'Cos after trainings and games all they do is 'hover' waiting to piss in the coaches ear. Unfortunately I see the younger coaches get sucked in by it.They are not necessarily confident in the job they are doing and reinforcement that they're 'fantastic' from suckhole parent hits the mark and the 'conditioning' has started. Been happening since the game of basketball began but have yet to see it pay off long term. If your kid is legit about working hard eventually the tide will turn and circumstances will change where his turn in the 'sun' will come. Seen it time and time again. Don't lower yourself to that level.

Reply #107299 | Report this post


Anon  
Years ago

Best comeback I've ever seen to a parent in the coaches ear for more court time was having their child dropped a division the following week.

Dummy spit - change clubs. Coach 1 Parent 0

Reply #107392 | Report this post


Dribbler  
Years ago

All clubs have a "chain of command".
Talk to your team manager first; if no satisfaction, there will be a junior co-ordinator who would help.

Reply #107399 | Report this post


Interested  
Years ago

Relax
I would suggest that the parents you describe will do more harm than good for their children in the long run. Coaches generally smile, but HATE this type of parent. I would suggest that when team selections come along players ability may even come second to these parents.
If it is working on some coaches, trust me the coach will learn!!

Reply #107406 | Report this post


KID  
Years ago

Sometimes it's not about the players skill etc but who one of the parents or relative may be. Take the U/14 div 1 girls on the weekend a classic example of who you are related to

Reply #107476 | Report this post


Concerned  
Years ago

#107476 Yes totally agree and I think it's great if a player so young is capable of playing in the div 1's but certainly not this girl! That was a joke and send out the wrong message to the rest of the players. Sturt needs to get a grip and not allow parents to have so much influence on where their kids end up no matter how long the parent/s have been playing for or helping out at the club.

Reply #107573 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

I despise parents bagging other kids to coaches in order to make their child look better. Especially to state coaches so they are planting a negative seed against kids at other clubs.

Reply #107709 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

The solution seems to be that the only kids who should be allowed to play sport are orphans - no ego driven wannabes but never were, so my kid will be a super star afflicted parents.

Reply #107717 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

Concerned,

You must have your facts wrong. Surely a club as well run as Sturt tell us they are can't be affected by nepotism. What chance for basketball in SA if the model which all other clubs should be based upon is being openly criticised by their parents. Just so other clubs can replicate the Sturt approach to basketball can you please clarify at what level in the organisation a parent needs to be to get these fringe benefits!!!

Reply #107740 | Report this post


for the love  
Years ago

Coaches can tell the kids that love the game. Your right, they might not have the best skills, they might be a bench player but any coach want their heart and determination over more highly skilled players any day.

Parents look after their kids and so they should. I happens everywhere. But look around at the older groups. These parents dwindle dramatically, because the kids give up. Most of the time it is not the kid playing basketball but the parent playingbasketball through their child.

Most of the parents from Hell know what to do. They work their way onto the committee and now their child is untouchable.

This would explain how a club south of the city can have Div 1 players and they go to Sturt to play Div 4.

Some of the parents of the Div 1 and 2 should watch some games of the 3 & 4. You want see the skill levels but a lot of the time you will see a work ethic, and love for the game that is rare in the higher levels.

In the end you have only two choices, put up with the parents from Hell or leave the club. Due to the fact that they can kiss the ass of the coach, committee, president far better and more often can or are willing to do.





Reply #107757 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

Concerned,

Why then did last years Presidents child play in 18 div 2 as a top age?

Why did the current president's child play in div 2 18's as a top age?

How do the results of the club in anyway suggest that nepotism is involved in selections?

Sturt do show favouratism. But it is to those players who work hard and listen to the coach!

Reply #107768 | Report this post


Axeman  
Years ago

#107709, Totaly agree. What sorry little lifes they must lead.


Reply #107900 | Report this post


Dr Damage  
Years ago

State coaches do not listen to parents.
Never have never will!

Reply #107904 | Report this post


Anon-e-mouse  
Years ago

#107709 - what is even more disturbing is that they get in State Coaches ears about kids from their own Clubs

Reply #107912 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

"Sturt do show favouratism." so why are you so up at arms at what Concerned has said. It is very true, all you have to do is look at the player who played in U14 div 1 last weekend to know that it is only because of who her father is that she played in Div 1!! This player was not even a starting 5 in U12 Div1.
All the parents have had to pick their jaws up off the ground after what happend.

Reply #107917 | Report this post


Magpie  
Years ago

Lets all remember, it is not the childs fault.

Should the child pay for the sins of the parents? Not at all.

Totaly agree Anon-e-mouse.

LET THE KIDS PLAY

Reply #107946 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

Dear Sturt 14 Div 1/2 girls parents. Can you stop harping on on this forum about a decisions made by the coach concerning an easily identifiable primary school kid?

Go through the appropriate channels if you have any complaints!

Oh, and have a good look at youselves...

Reply #107951 | Report this post


Anon-e-mouse  
Years ago

#107951 - totally agree with you - #107917 - kids can improve and get better and they usually do - let the Coaches coach and choose who they think is the best fit in a team - rotations are happening in all clubs at the moment - it was most prob her turn and nothing to do with who her parents are or what they do - she deserves a chance at it as much as anyone else - be open minded - I am assuming this was her first chance at Div 1 - kid is most prob nervous and so are her parents - they dont need this sort of feedback from parents within their own club.

Reply #107961 | Report this post


mwa  
Years ago

#107757 i fail to see any heart or determination , only individualism.... heart and determination don't win games only skill and hard at it will get a team over the line. Parents should look after there kids!! agreed, but not at the expense of other kids!!!!!!!!

Reply #107975 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

MWA

You know what you are talking about.
Under your concept only the better team always wins. .......NOT
At least bradbry (sorry for the spelling) think you are full of it... and he has an olympic Gold medal... What do you have ... oh yes... being in the elite club of "parents from HELL"

Reply #108107 | Report this post


business arising  
Years ago

What about some ideas on how to deal with the "coaches from hell" - lets take the parents money out of the basketball system and see how you go.

Reply #108109 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

I can tell you that the parents and the kids did not have anything to do with this child playing up. It is typical of this forum, how parents now can get on here and shit stir when their child is the one that has been replaced. Grow up and move on. The kid is only 11 years old and you are coming on here bagging her and her parents. What makes it worse is that she is part of 'your' club and you treat her like that. What does that say of you? I suppose Isaac you will let this crap keep going on until you receive a phone call, or for once you could actual take an interest in the junior section and close this thread!

Reply #108115 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

What about the "players from hell" -and we have a trifecta! Hang on, what about the "volunteers from hell" - so is that a quadfecta!Seriously, seems that one common thread is coming through here - there is a core element of people out there who are working for the kids and the enjoyment of the game,whether they be coaches,volunteers,the kids themselves or parents and they all recognise that there are a minority that have massive ugly egos and are hellbent on making what should be a good time, into an ego trip and self- destruction for themselves and/or their kid. Seems to me there are enough of us that don't like what we see, so suggestion - you ain't going to change ugly people, but you can reinforce positives to your kid, openly acknowledge the efforts of their teammates AND the opposition. Walk away, don't give these ugly people the opportunity to whinge. Be there when the committee roles come up to ensure that the right people are looking after this great game. Be active by putting in place a team culture and as a collective group let the club and coach know what you want under the banner of "good sports" e.g. equal respect, equal acknowledge of effort etc., as all players deserve to be encouraged. Maybe we might then see more kid players become adult players. Remember, dont whinge about it, do something pro-active - there are enough of us...... And it ain't easy but you can make a difference and let the folks from hell self destruct and isolate themselves.

Reply #108116 | Report this post


Sick of em  
Years ago

Once again the sturt 14 girls parents kicking up a fuss - whole lot of em need too look at themselves. Same happened last year. Bickering and infighting - Pity Matt Gliddon - I am a sturt parent in an older age group and there are heaps of us sick of this group with their own little agendas and they are an absolute embarassment to the club - GROW UP

Reply #108122 | Report this post


Isaac  
Years ago

108115, if you've got a problem with it, CONTACT ME, don't just whine about it. How am I supposed to have time to follow junior basketball closely on top of everything else? I don't play junior basketball, coach it, referee it, have a child playing it, watch it - on this week's numbers, there are 170+ posts per day going through this forum and it is tough policing them all. I can make a cursory glance at most to check for offensive language, but I cannot be expected to have a thorough knowledge of every area or read every post in detail.

For the most part, this thread has seemed to be mostly on topic. Why lock it? If there are particular posts that you consider to be an issue, get in touch.

Reply #108129 | Report this post


Anon-e-mouse  
Years ago

Business arising - yeah lets take the parents money out of it - guess what then? there will be no Clubs, No Coaches, No Committees, No Volunteers, no Juniors section in Hoops SA forum - so you cant have a say - No kids being able to play District B/ball no nufink......cant run a District B/Ball club without $. Lets all go and play social ball and have fun, and you will have to coach, be the Team Manager and do the organising eg scorers, pay the money to play/hire the court etc. What you dont get here is that Coaches volunteer their time - it is all for the benefit of your Little Johnny or Little Sally. Committee, Volunteers, Team Managers, are all doing this to help your kids and NOT GETTING PAID - donating their time, and paying for their own petrol to get to trainings and games etc.for your kids - your fees are for court hire, referees, payment to BSA etc etc etc. Lets take away the Coaches, committees, Team Managers and see how you go!

Reply #108163 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

business arising - how do you figure that taking "the parents money" out of the game is going to make the game better and get rid of the from hell minority in coaching, parents and players??? Really - after too many years of involvement in this and other sports, the issues are global and mostly it is only a minority who are pains in the a... so why kill it for the majority who have some fun and enjoyment? If your club is not doing the right thing by your kid and your kid is unhappy (Not the parent)- use the door.

Reply #108166 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

Surely there must be some centrals, woodville or southern people out there who can offer advice to Sturt as to how you manage a club after all the past posts from Sturt telling them what they do wrong. Currently:

- Div 1 & 2 women's teams having forfeited games this season.

- North, South and West all having better stadiums than Sturt at the moment.

- West boys beating the STurt system recently

- Sturt parents being big on openly critising their club and 11/12 year old girls from their club or, for that matter, any club.

Don't you love it when the wheels seem to be falling of the mightly "baby blues"

Reply #108183 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

I ain't any fan of sturt but as a supporter of basketball in this state 108183#, I don't get any satisfaction "when the wheels seem to be falling of the mightly "baby blues"" nor any other club for that matter. You don't have a game without the competition and all the clubs offer an opportunity for kids to be off the streets doing something healthy and for this and the social outlets to move through to the senior ranks. The "from hell" group is not everyone, so don't bag them all together. The cycle of club hierarchy - if that is the name for it - changes continually and aren't little minded people easy to jump on the tall poppy syndrome. 10 years ago, Norwood were up there, then after them, north took the mantle, thrown in somewhere in between where sturt and now you could probably say it is forestville's day in the sun - all clubs have issues, all have whingey people but they would all have some damn hard working dedicated people and supporters. We don't need less people playing this sport - we need more.

Reply #108189 | Report this post


DaddyO  
Years ago

#108183 - the aim isn't to drag Sturt down, it is to lift other teams to their level.

I haven't noticed the wheels falling off - more like a pothole or two in the road.

Reply #108190 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

But the difference here is that Sturt "people" are so quick to tell everyone else what they are doing wrong and have a go at the internal bickering of other clubs whereas it appears that these other clubs don't reciprocate when the opportunity presents. No-one wants to see clubs struggle as this leads to a struggling competition - perhaps these parents who are unhappy at Sturt can move and perhaps the overall competition will improve.

Reply #108195 | Report this post


Magpie  
Years ago

Imagine what a fantastic club the "From Hell" group could make.

The From Hell club would only have div 1 teams.

Every kid would be called Johnny or Sally and would be related to the Admin side of the club. State teams would, by default, be made up of kids only from Hell club.

Every kid would be the best player in his or her age group.

The Admin of the club would run like clockwork.

They would have the newest stadium, with an Irish pub, instead of a bar and an "On The Run" instead of a canteen.

Lets hope the "From Hell" crew never get together.

Reply #108224 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

As a parent in one of the Sturt U14 Girls teams I would like to say that we are not ALL in the same category. My daughter is doing her best and has been recognised this season and is extatic for this opportunity (no not Div 1) and is doing her best to show the enthusiasm and class that she has. I encourage her as best I can without pushing too hard however it can get disheartening when "some" (not all) players are pushed forward without doing the hard work. I still try to keep a positive outlook and certainly do not air my greavenses to all those around as I believe it affects all the players involved. I would like some feedback on how to keep the positiveness in a players mind with all this going on? Any help. PS I would put my name to this but I do not wish it to affect my daughter's place in Sturt.

Reply #108756 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

How to keep the positiveness? For starters, let this thread die a natural death!

Posting here asking for feedback just reignites the burning embers and gives the flamers another chance to have a go!

Talk to the people that matter about this stuff (ie coaches or the coaching director) or follow the procedures in the information booklet rather than posting in public forums.

Reply #108764 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

108764. Thanks for your reply and understand what you are saying however do not appreciate your negativeness either. I did in fact ask for positive feedback.

Reply #108766 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

Anonomous,

Call your coaching director on 8177 0463 or pull your head in!

Reply #108772 | Report this post


anon-e-mouse  
Years ago

Best feedback would be - don't discuss any of these issues in front of your daughter eg - what she doesn't know won't affect her -for positiveness - do not let your kid read this forum.

Reply #108811 | Report this post


ANON  
Years ago

108756 - u r contradicting yurself - 1st u say "that we are not ALL in the same category then you state "it can get disheartening when "some" (not all) players are pushed forward without doing the hard work." Sounds like you are whining/whingeing about the same thing as 107917. How about considering that u think your daughter is better than other kids coz you're her parent. Not looking thru objective eyes in my opnion. Perhaps the Coach IS looking through objective eyes. Worth mulling over - dont u think!

Reply #108828 | Report this post


anonymous 6  
Years ago

Coaches are not stupid, they are probably just going through the motions........... let it go and finish all this whinging and complaining. GO STURT

Reply #108998 | Report this post


Anonymous  
Years ago

Hhmmm all seems to have gone quiet on this one! Perhaps ANON was right after all?

Reply #109294 | Report this post




 

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