Miami stars demand trade
Shawn Marion, Dwayne Wade and the newly drafted Michael Beasley have all demanded trades this morning.
They say they feared for their lives after Pat Riley insisted that they all jump either a speeding Aston Martin or dunk over a swimming pool of poisonous snakes if they wanted to start for the Miami Heat next season.
When they complained, Riley is said to have been so angry he had to slick his hair back twice with Macy's premium snake oil, before replying: "I'm not KIDDING! Kobe jumped both. If you boys aren't up to it then you can sit on the bench and cry. I'm gettin' old and I need to win 4 more championships to pass Phil and Red and I ain't gonna win if my players are too sissy to match Kobe in a game of H-O-R-S-E... I guarantee it."